Musician Jokes that I think are Funny. None of this is by me. But I liked them. Love you guys. (Notice how I put myself first...)

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So they don't have to retrain the cellists

How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo"

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.

subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.

music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

"The clarinet is a musical instrument, the only thing worse than which is two."
-- The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce

"Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour."
--Rossini

"The present day composer refuses to die."
-- Edgar Varese

Why don't violists suffer from hæmorrhoids?
Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.

Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."

How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
The doorbell shrieks!

What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I played that last year."

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

What does it meen when a drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.

How many altos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They can't get that high.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the high notes.

How many basses does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
The seamstress tucks up the frills.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions!

What do you call a violist with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

*And lastly, my personal favorite...*
A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line
by Donn Laurence Mills

If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat.
The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)

1.Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium
and puts it on you, where it belongs.
2.When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
3.Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's
best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
4.Look the other way just before cues.
5.Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
6.Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the
conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
7.Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is
giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items,
but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
8.Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do
this from birth).
9.Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective
if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in
your part.)
10.At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so
that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
11.Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
12.Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
13.Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick
technique", so challenge it frequently.
14.As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could
learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
15.When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
16.If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not
ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
17.Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
18.During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away
your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.

It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?

posted by CaseyA 5:24:00 PM